You know what pairs best with mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, and your cousin’s disgusting green bean casserole? These hands, that anyone can catch if they refuse to acknowledge the real history behind this holiday. If you refuse to stand by and watch as people drink themselves into a stupor while talking about pilgrims and ignoring the sins of the colonizers, you might be the person who’s gonna ruin the meal.
If your petition to decolonize dinner was a failure, and you doubt that anyone is going to use recipes made by indigenous chefs, chances are you’re going to take things into your own tired hands. Thanksgiving is a lie of a holiday, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You’ve made sure of it. Haters will say you’re a bitter killjoy, and your therapist will as well, but who cares. There’s a time and a place for everything. And even though the annual family gathering is not the time, nor is it the place, for your high-energy truth-telling, you’re going to do it anyways.
- You refuse to say the word “Thanksgiving”
And you’ll roll your eyes and scowl and anyone who does.
2. You made stickers that say “fatphobic asshole” to slap on people who shame fat relatives at dinner
I mean, someone has to do it.
3. You’re already coming up with excuses for why you won’t have your potluck dish
You can buy wine and pie on the way there, it’s fine.
4. You made a PowerPoint about the history of whitewashed genocides, just in case
They’re gonna learn today.
5. You saved that PowerPoint to a flash drive keychain you’re already carrying around
It’s important to be prepared.
6. You made sure your toddler’s first words were “autonomy” and “boundaries”
They won’t be passed around like a collection plate at church this year!
7. You can’t stop singing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You”
Freedom of speech, buddy. Besides, time is a construct and that song is a classic regardless of the time of year.
8. You’re wearing a shirt that says “Ask Me Why I’m Antifa”
Plus, your hammer and sickle earrings just arrived. It’s called fashion, sweaty.
9. You made your kid promise not to ruin Santa for the other kids, then winked
It’s never too early to kill that dream. He’s a capitalist pig anyways.
10. You got really good at saying “no” this year
You’ll say it with a smile, though.
11. You bought a knitted, holiday sweatshirt that says “Ok, Boomer,” and a matching onesie for your kid
Gotta start ’em young.
12. You plan to eat all the glaze, and only the glaze, on the ham
You deserve nothing but the best.
13. You’ve prepared a nondenominational “grace” to say before the meal that includes the phrase “the United States government is a violent, disgusting collection of thieves”
You won’t let them forget who the fuck you are.
14. You just became the Regional Supervisor of your MLM’s company and you have a few pitches to make
Instead of ranting about the mass exploitation of working class families in the MLM industry, and its relation to our nation’s crumbling economy, you’re just gonna try and sell a few products. If you have to resort to guilting people…so be it.
15. You made an artisan collection plate to pass around during dinner to collect money to donate to Planned Parenthood
…and you’ve prepared pamphlets that detail what Planned Parenthood actually funds to clap back at that “pro-life” auntie who has no idea what’s she’s talking about